With Izaya on it.
While Izaya loved the chair, she also loved living, and she gracefully vaulted out of the chair just as it crashed through the window. She pulled out her switchblade, but hid it behind her back, posing in a way that accentuated her ample chest. She tossed her head so that her fringe fell in her eyes and put her hands behind her back, looking as girlish and innocent as Orihara Izaya could look.
"Let's talk this over, Shizu-chan!" She chirped happily. "Good relationships depend on compromise and communication!"
He stood, glaring at Izaya, chest heaving.
"You. You slept with my co-worker. YOU SLEPT WITH TOM."
"I can't help it, I have a thing for glasses! That's why I love you so much when you wear your sunglasses, Shizu-chan!"
"My brother doesn't wear glasses."
"You weren't free that day, and he just looked so much like you that I couldn't resist." Izaya ran a hand down her curves, then licked her lips. "Besides, I always think of you first, darling. You were so tired that day. And I have an abnormally high sex drive, as you know very well!"
"WHAT ABOUT SIMON?" Shizuo was turning red, and had grabbed the edge of Izaya's desk to restrain himself. It creaked in protest, and Izaya made a mental note to buy a new one with more structural integrity. It had barely survived the Izaya-Wants-Rough-Sex-In-Office day, and it looked like this would be the desk's last stand - maybe steel would work better? - oh, right, Shizuo. Angry. She thought for a while.
"You know, Shizu-chan, your brother starred in that show...the one with the restaurant, right?"
"GET TO THE POINT."
"Remember what happened when he tasted the curry?"
Shizuo had an encyclopedic knowledge of every show his brother had ever starred in. He instinctively answered, "He was so overcome with nostalgia that he started crying."
"Exactly, Shizu-chan! I knew you'd understand!"
"CRYING ISN'T THE SAME THING AS FUCKING."
"I was very emotional. I couldn't believe tuna could taste that good. By the way, how do you know all this?"
"I FOUND YOUR BOOK. THE HOT PINK ONE WITH HEARTS ON IT!"
"Ohhh, that book. Would you believe it if I told you that it was just a contact list?" She smiled genially.
Shizuo, speechless, opened up the book to check anyway. Which was a wrinkle in the plan that Izaya wasn't expecting, since she was under the impression that Shizou would have torn it apart in a fit of unthinking rage. She eyed the available exits - smashed window, dangerous to jump, no window ledges nearby. Door barricaded by bookshelf (Shizuo's handiwork). There was a very high chance that she would not actually survive this day.
"It has columns for 'oral', 'vaginal', 'anal', 'other', and a list of their schedules. And ratings." Shizuo was trembling with anger, and struggling not to crush the book in his hand. "Are these sorted by age?"
"In my defense, Anri looked very mature in that outfit. And Celty is a complete minx despite her age." She rubbed her thighs together - just thinking about that last encounter sent a frisson of heat through her body. Who would have thought that shadows had so many uses?
Shizuo leafed through the book, mentally calculating. "YOU'VE SLEPT WITH SEVENTY PEOPLE IN THE TIME WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER?!"
"Baby! You're so good at math! And if you'll observe the trend, I've actually slept with forty percent less people since we've met." That was actually the truth. She'd done the spreadsheets - well, Namie had helped, but she'd grumbled all the while.
"WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR A MONTH. HOW THE HELL DO YOU FIT IN TIME TO SCREW SO MANY PEOPLE?"
"I have a very competent secretary. And fast recovery time."
Namie looked up from her shelving. "Will you two be done soon? Izaya, if the door is still barricaded after office hours end, I want overtime pay."
"DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER TOO, IZAYA?"
"No, she's a frigid woman saving herself for marriage. I'd hate to go against someone's moral code, Shizu-chan!"
"That...you..." he spluttered, incapable of mustering a new argument. He looked down at the book again. "Is this...is this the LADY FROM THE NEARBY BAKERY?"
"She was lonely! It was practically my duty to liven up her life! Although we nearly wrecked her shop the way we were going at it, so perhaps that was too much excitement."
Shizuo was grinding his teeth. Izaya felt a surge of killing intent, and switched her pose from innocent-little-big-breasted-girl to one more suitable for combat. She'd have to remember not to wound Namie in the fight.
"You FUCKING FLEA!"
Izaya wasn't expecting Shizuo's rage to increase his speed as well as strength, and was caught off guard by the flying tackle to the ground. The floorboards creaked with the force.
She couldn't manage to move her arm enough to stab him, and settled for wrapping her legs around him, trying to get on top. Maybe they'd fuck, maybe they'd fight, maybe Shizuo would kill her - but what a way to go, it'd almost be like autoerotic asphyxiation but without all the troublesome preparations. She couldn't die, of course, the world would be so much poorer without her in it. The possibilities raced through her head, but having Shizuo as a factor in this situation made it so delightfully unpredictable.
Her nipples grew hard with excitement, pressing against Shizuo's chest, and her breaths became shorter. A surge of arousal went through her body, and she moaned, grinding her crotch against Shizuo's solid body.
"You're a fucking bitch, you know?" Shizuo said it casually, as if he wasn't prepared to kill her.
"Not a bitch. The bitch." Izaya said it calmly, as if she wasn't going to die.
"Someone should restrain you." He shifted his position to straddle her, gripping her wrists tightly. Izaya loosened her grip on the blade, and Shizuo plucked it from her hand. It had shifted into a more familiar rhythm, and Izaya was sure she could turn this into an overtly sexual situation instead of one that resulted in her death or a knock-down drag-out fight.
"Are you going to, darling? Chastity belts and handcuffs, are you sure that's really your style?"
"Nope. Got something better."
Izaya blinked as the familiar rhythm broke. That wasn't the expected response. "...what?"
"Hey, Namie, when's Izaya free tomorrow?"
Namie emerged from her hiding place and checked her notebook. "Two to four pm. Could you move the bookshelf away from the door when you're done?"
"Yeah, once I settle this thing. Thanks. Pencil in an appointment for her, would you? Get married to Heiwajima Shizuo - two to four pm."
Namie scribbled it on the notebook, then went back to hiding.
Izaya looked up at Shizuo in disbelief. Her voice went from its usual low purr to something far more high-pitched.
"What?" she shrieked.
"The way I look at it, Izaya, baby, is that I'm getting married to you for the good of the entire prefecture. Someone's gotta restrain your urges, and guess what, it looks like I'm the lucky guy."
Shizuo grinned. "Besides, I'm pretty fucking durable, and trust me, I can go all night."
Izaya's lips curled up into a slight smile. "What happens if I disagree with this unromantic proposal?"
"Then I come back with a bunch of fucking roses, throw them at you and say 'Izaya, you fucking bitch, we're getting married whether you like it or not'."
"Well. How could I ever disagree with someone so persistent? Fine. Tomorrow at two. Bring your registered seal. There's a lot of paperwork to get through, future husband."
"Fine. See you at the government office, fiancee. I'm taking out a newspaper ad the moment we're married."
Shizuo got up, flexed his legs for a while, then strode over to the door and casually tossed the bookshelf away. He opened the door, paused a while, then turned back.
"Izaya. One more thing."
"Don't you dare wear white."